THE REGISTRAR'S OFFICE
Contact the Registrar
Dignis Litteris, Parce
Email for support, write for policy questions, or route verification and refund issues to the proper desk without the ceremony of a form.
The Registrar replies during civil daylight, usually within one business day, unless the mood has turned.
A Brief Note From the Registrar
Correspondence arriving at this office receives, as a matter of policy, a civil acknowledgment and, where the matter is within remit, a considered reply. The Registrar wishes it understood that she is not unkind. She is, on most days, only tired, which is a different thing and, in her own view, the more defensible.
Kindly keep inquiries legible, brief, and relevant to something we actually sell.
ELECTRONIC POST
Email the institution
The preferred medium for the present century. General questions, support, and order issues should begin here.
General Inquiries
registrar@asshole-u.watchersociety.comOffice of the Dean
dean@asshole.universityReserved for matters the Dean is willing to entertain, of which there are fewer each year.
POSTAL ADDRESS
Write if you insist
The Registrar still accepts handwritten correspondence with the same civility she extends to electronic mail, though with a slightly longer response time and considerably more visible sighing.
The Registrar’s DeskOffice of Matriculation
Asshole University
PO Box 1823
North Quadrangle, New Cambridge
SPECIAL MATTERS
Verification requests
Third parties wishing to verify a certificate should proceed directly to the public verification desk. The process is self-serve and requires no letter of introduction.
Verify a CredentialSPECIAL MATTERS
Refund questions
Orders within the refund window should start with the written policy. If the matter falls outside the ordinary rules, write to the Registrar with the order email and a short explanation.
Read the Refund PolicyOn the Matter of Forms
The University has, after careful deliberation, declined to erect a contact form on this page. We regard the simple letter, whether paper or electronic, as the more dignified instrument.
Kindly compose your message in your own words, and address it above.
“Scribe breviter, responsum expecta tranquille.”
Write briefly, and await your reply in peace.
For entertainment purposes only. The Registrar is real insofar as anything is.