OFFICE OF THE REGENTS
A comic institution with the gravity of a serious one.
A single statement, three pillars, and a set of outcomes reported annually to people who prefer their comedy delivered in ledger form.
Adopted by the Board of Regents. Revised rarely. Defended constantly.
THE MISSION STATEMENT
Asshole University exists to cultivate, credential, and publicly honor the practice of being, with civility, composure, and the faintest possible smirk, entirely unimpressed by the greater part of what is offered to us in this life.
Amended exactly once, then reverted the following morning.
THE THREE PILLARS
I.
We regard the refined dismissal as a civic art. The University trains its students to receive the unwelcome opinion, the ill-timed suggestion, and the poorly assembled argument with composure so polished that most bystanders mistake it for courtesy.
II.
Our graduates are expected to redirect tiresome conversations without raised voices, fresh grievances, or the kind of candor that later requires a bouquet. A graceful sidestep remains one of the institution’s most heavily admired forms.
III.
The joke must stay dry, visually persuasive, and just sincere enough to worry the inattentive. We aim for comedy with institutional lighting and a seal that appears to have cost more than it should.
“Non est semper necessarium impressionari.”
It is not always necessary to be impressed.
Inscribed above the Registrar's office, 1879
ANNUAL MEASURES
Received by the Regents without comment and, in most years, without visible surprise.
| Metric | Value |
|---|---|
| Dinner-table arguments decisively won by our graduates, 2025 | 4,812 (self-reported) |
| Unsolicited opinions deflected without raised voice, 2025 | 11,206 |
| Formal apologies issued by the institution since 1823 | None on file |
| Eyebrows raised during annual convocation, 2025 | 3,441 |
| Committees formed to study the formation of committees | Two, as of Tuesday |
| Letters of complaint declined with warmth and finality | All of them |
Figures self-reported, lightly audited, and maintained for entertainment purposes only.
TO LIVE THE MISSION
Those wishing to commit to the mission in a more decorative fashion are invited to browse the ordinations, degrees, and honorary recognitions now open to conferral.