…

OFFICE OF THE REGENTS

Mission

A comic institution with the gravity of a serious one.

The official mission statement of Asshole University, together with the three pillars and the measurable outcomes by which we decline to measure ourselves.

View the CatalogRead the Honor Code

Adopted by the Board of Regents. Revised rarely. Defended constantly.

Registrar and students posed in a formal university scene with framed credentials and maroon-and-gold styling.

The Mission Statement

Asshole University exists to cultivate, credential, and publicly honor the practice of being, with civility, composure, and the faintest possible smirk, entirely unimpressed by the greater part of what is offered to us in this life.

Amended exactly once, then reverted the following morning.

The Three Pillars

I. Excellence in Dismissiveness

We regard the refined dismissal as a civic art. The University trains its students to receive the unwelcome opinion, the ill-timed suggestion, and the poorly assembled argument with composure so polished that most bystanders mistake it for courtesy.

II. Rigor in Deflection

Our graduates are expected to redirect tiresome conversations without raised voices, fresh grievances, or the kind of candor that later requires a bouquet. A graceful sidestep remains one of the institution's most heavily admired forms.

III. Commitment to Satirical Quality

The joke must stay dry, visually persuasive, and just sincere enough to worry the inattentive. We aim for comedy with institutional lighting and a seal that appears to have cost more than it should.

Non est semper necessarium impressionari.

It is not always necessary to be impressed.

Annual Measures

MetricValue
Dinner-table arguments decisively won by our graduates, 20254,812, self-reported
Unsolicited opinions deflected without raised voice, 202511,206
Formal apologies issued by the institution since 1823None on file
Eyebrows raised during annual convocation, 20253,441
Committees formed to study the formation of committeesTwo, as of Tuesday
Letters of complaint declined with warmth and finalityAll of them

Figures self-reported, lightly audited, and maintained for entertainment purposes only.

To Live the Mission

Those wishing to commit to the mission in a more decorative fashion are invited to browse the ordinations, degrees, and honorary recognitions now open to conferral.