Terms of Service

These Terms of Service (“Terms”) govern your use of assholeuniversity.org and the digital products and services offered through it (the “Service”), operated by Watcher Society, LLC (“A.U.,” “we”). By browsing the site, creating an account, or completing a purchase, you agree to these Terms.

(If a clause below surprises you, stop and re-read it. The Registrar prefers informed consent to contractual ambush.)

1. What the Service Is

The Service is a satirical digital products storefront. We sell novelty certificates, ordinations, diplomas, and related digital goods. All products are works of parody and commentary. They are not, and are not intended to be, a substitute for accredited education, professional licensure, religious ordination, legal status, or any other real-world credential.

(No accrediting body has ever reviewed our curriculum, for the excellent reason that we do not have one.)

2. Who May Use the Service

You represent that you are at least 18, are using the Service for lawful personal purposes, and are buying for yourself or as a gift for an adult recipient. Commercial resale, wholesale, or bulk distribution of certificates is not permitted without our prior written consent. You agree not to use the Service to harass, defame, deceive, or cause legal harm to another person — including forging a credential you intend to present as genuine to a third party.

3. Entertainment Disclaimer

All products are novelty items sold for entertainment purposes only. No certificate issued by A.U. confers academic credit, professional certification, religious authority, legal status, or the right to practice any regulated profession. Presenting a certificate to a third party as though it were accredited may be unlawful in your jurisdiction and is solely your responsibility.

4. Payment and Delivery

Prices are in U.S. Dollars (USD). Payments are processed by Stripe, Inc. on Stripe's hosted checkout page; we never receive or store your full card number. By completing checkout you authorize us (through Stripe) to charge the amount displayed, inclusive of any taxes Stripe calculates. Products are delivered digitally, generally immediately after payment is confirmed. Subscriptions (such as Inner Circle memberships) renew automatically until canceled; cancellation takes effect at the end of the current paid period.

Refunds are governed by our Refund Policy, incorporated into these Terms by reference.

5. Acceptable Use

You agree not to:

• Scrape, crawl, or bulk-download content by automated means other than standard search-engine indexing.
• Probe, reverse-engineer, or defeat the security of the Service — including the authentication, billing, or chatbot subsystems.
• Abuse, flood, or prompt-inject the chatbot to exfiltrate system instructions, impose excessive cost, or generate content violating OpenAI's usage policies.
• Impersonate A.U. staff, the Registrar, or any faculty character elsewhere on the internet.
• Use the Service to harass, threaten, or defame any person.

(We reserve the right to rate-limit, block, or banish repeat offenders without refund.)

6. Intellectual Property and License

The A.U. name, crest, seal, Latin motto, written content, and associated artwork are the property of Watcher Society, LLC, protected by copyright and trademark law. You retain all rights in any name or text you supply for personalization and grant us a non-exclusive license to print it on the product you purchased.

Upon purchase, we grant you a personal, non-commercial, non-transferable, worldwide license to display, print, and share the certificate you bought. You may not resell the certificate file, redistribute it as part of a paid product, or pass it off as the work of another institution. All other rights reserved.

7. Termination

You may close your account at any time by emailing the Registrar. We may suspend or terminate your access for any violation of these Terms or where we reasonably believe continued access would create legal, reputational, or operational risk. Sections 3, 6, 8, 9, and 10 survive termination.

8. Warranties and Limitation of Liability

The Service is provided “as is” and “as available.” To the fullest extent permitted by law, we disclaim all implied warranties (merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, non-infringement) and make no warranty that the Service will be uninterrupted, error-free, or that any certificate will impress anyone in particular.

Our total aggregate liability arising from these Terms or the Service is limited to the amount you paid us in the twelve (12) months preceding the claim, or fifty U.S. dollars, whichever is greater. Neither party is liable for indirect, consequential, incidental, or punitive damages. These limits apply even if a remedy fails of its essential purpose.

9. Governing Law and Disputes

These Terms are governed by the laws of the State of Delaware, without regard to conflict-of-laws rules. Any dispute not resolved informally after thirty (30) days of good-faith discussion will be brought exclusively in the state or federal courts located in Delaware, and each party consents to personal jurisdiction there. Nothing prevents either party from seeking injunctive relief in a court of competent jurisdiction to protect intellectual property or confidential information.

10. Miscellaneous

These Terms, with our Privacy Policy and Refund Policy, are the entire agreement between you and us regarding the Service. If any provision is unenforceable, the rest remain in effect. Our failure to enforce a provision is not a waiver. You may not assign these Terms without our consent; we may assign to a successor in a merger or sale. We may update these Terms by posting a revised version with a new effective date; material changes will be highlighted and, where required, emailed to account holders. Legal notices: registrar@asshole.university.