1823
The Founding
The University is chartered in a letter of protest. An unnamed customs clerk, passed over for a promotion he considered obvious, resolves to establish an academy devoted to the dismissive arts. Four students enroll. One is a cat.
THE UNIVERSITY ARCHIVES
Our Illustrious History
Per Arduum ad Assholum, preserved in ledgers and lightly polished resentment.
Two centuries of institutional dismissiveness, carefully chronicled by people who were mostly present and never in a hurry.
Every detail is fabricated. The tone, regrettably, is authentic.
A NOTE FROM THE ARCHIVES
The institution has always preferred documentation to apology
Founded in the spirit of a man who had, by his own private accounting, been wronged on a Tuesday, Asshole University has endured largely by refusing, in writing, to be impressed by anything that arrived after the first draft of the ledger.
What follows is an abbreviated chronicle assembled from correspondence, committee minutes, and several remarks the Board later regretted committing to paper.
MILESTONES
In order of occurrence, and with minimal embarrassment
1847–1851
The Pembroke-Hatch Regency
Regent A. Pembroke-Hatch codifies the curriculum into the Chairs of Petty Grievances, Applied Dismissal, and Correct Posture. His 1849 address, delivered almost entirely in raised eyebrows, remains an archival landmark.
1868
The Schism
A dispute over the proper spelling of the word "actually" divides the faculty. The splinter institution closes within eighteen months, citing irreconcilable differences with itself.
1871–1904
The Reconstitution
Under Regent E. Harrowgate-Mott the motto Per Arduum ad Assholum is formally adopted, the Registrar’s office is moved to the ground floor for reasons of trustee stamina, and the institution settles into the tone it keeps to this day.
1923
The Centennial
The University marks one hundred years with a dinner at which seventeen toasts are offered and none are returned. A marble plinth is erected in the quadrangle without a label. This is recorded as intentional.
1978
The Great Sigh
A board memorandum captures an audible institutional sigh during deliberations about tone. The transcription reads simply, "mm." Historians now refer to the following period as the mm. Era.
2025
The Modern Registrar
The University enters its digital period, opens the catalog online, and begins conferring credentials with fresh efficiency. The office remains on the ground floor. The attitude remains upstairs.
“Through difficulty, to the condition of being difficult.”
Attributed to Regent E. Harrowgate-Mott on the adoption of the motto, 1871
THE CURRENT CHAPTER
The third century is open for matriculation
The University now sells its credentials online, ships them with uncommon speed, and maintains the exact same institutional smirk it carried through the candlelit years. New recipients are processed daily. The archive remains unimpressed.
Historical details remain fabricated in full, as decorum requires.