Statutes of Conduct

The Honor Code

Honore, non Clamore

Five clauses on composure, proportion, apology, posture, and retreat, adopted in 1871 and left largely untouched ever since.

Ceremonial, satirical, and binding chiefly in the court of bearing.

Formal Honor Code portrait with a regent, bound statutes, and ceremonial Asshole University insignia.

Preamble

Founded in the spirit of orderly restraint, and in the conviction that the public life of the civil person is improved by a clear code of bearing, the Regents of Asshole University set down, in the year 1871, the five binding clauses that follow. These clauses are binding upon every matriculant, every alumnus, every honorary doctor, and — in spirit, if not in paper — upon the Regents themselves, who are known to read the Code each autumn and to nod, without speaking, once it is done.

The Code is short. It is meant to be. A longer Code would, by its length, violate the Code.

Clause I.

The Preservation of Composure

The matriculant pledges, in all settings and at all temperatures, to maintain a steady and unhurried composure. Voice shall not be raised, colour shall not rise, and the posture of the face shall remain in that neutral condition sometimes called, in the older handbooks, "the civil mask." Where a response is unavoidable, the matriculant shall prefer the single syllable, the mild hum, or — in matters of unusual provocation — the very slight raising of one eyebrow. All three are considered, for purposes of this clause, adequate.

Clause II.

The Duty of Proportion

The matriculant shall at all times measure the volume of response to the scale of the provocation, and shall never respond more than is strictly required. An unwarranted opinion is to be met with a shorter reply than it deserved; a poorly reasoned proposal, with a reply shorter still. The Regents hold, as they have held since 1871, that the great majority of disagreements in civic life could be resolved by the simple expedient of saying approximately one-third less than the speaker had intended to say.

Clause III.

The Refusal to Apologize Unless Cornered

Apology is regarded, within this institution, as an instrument of unusual force and is therefore to be withheld except in the most reduced of circumstances. A matriculant may apologize for the conduct of the weather, the tardiness of mail, or the failings of small animals who cannot reasonably be held to account. For their own conduct, apology is to be offered only when every other avenue has been sincerely exhausted, and preferably in writing, on good paper, and at some distance from the event.

Clause IV.

The Honouring of Posture

The matriculant shall, at all public functions and in most private ones, stand and sit in a manner befitting the institution. The back shall not slouch; the chin shall not jut. Where seated, the matriculant shall take the upright third of the chair and no more. Posture is understood, within this code, to be the visible portion of an invisible bearing, and no matriculant has ever been forgiven by the Regents for being conspicuously comfortable in a place he had no business being.

Clause V.

The Cultivation of Dignity in Retreat

When it becomes necessary to withdraw from a conversation, a gathering, or a line of correspondence, the matriculant shall do so with the same unhurried bearing with which he entered it. The withdrawal shall be preceded by a brief civil acknowledgement and followed by nothing at all. Under no circumstance shall a matriculant leave a room while speaking. Under no circumstance shall a matriculant return to a room he has already left in order to add one last thing; this, by the long and bitter experience of the institution, has never gone well.

Attestation

By enrolling, the matriculant attests to having read this Honor Code and to having filed it with the Registrar, who will, in the ordinary course of her duties, not have read it either. The Code is binding regardless of whether it has been read by any party. The Regents consider this to be, in its own small way, the whole point.

Signatures are not required. The posture is sufficient.

Proceed to Matriculation Review the Mission

For entertainment purposes only. This Code confers no academic or legal standing and is enforced chiefly by reputation, bearing, and the mild disapproval of the Registrar.