ORDINATION
Officially Ordained. Before Lunch.
Officially Ordained Asshole - Base
A verifiable digital certificate that confirms, in writing, what your friends have been saying for years.
Best for first-time buyers, wedding meddlers, and anyone who wants the joke to land before the room has time to recover.
Officially Ordained Asshole - Base
Become an Officially Ordained Asshole with our prestigious digital certificate. Includes downloadable diploma.
Registrar's Positioning
Best for first-time buyers, wedding meddlers, and anyone who wants the joke to land before the room has time to recover.
A verifiable digital certificate that confirms, in writing, what your friends have been saying for years.
Personalization
What's Included
- Digital certificate
- Unique ID
- Verification page
Why You Want This
You have been an asshole, informally, since approximately middle school. The evidence is overwhelming. Your group chat has a folder. Your siblings have a nickname. Your last manager used the phrase 'brings a unique energy.' None of this is documented. Until now.
The Base Ordination is the entry point to the only credentialing system that takes your temperament seriously. You enter your name. You pay twenty-nine dollars. A certificate bearing a unique registrar ID and a university seal arrives in your inbox within sixty seconds. It is a PDF. It is 300 DPI. It prints flat. It will survive a cheap Office Depot frame and a lifetime of smug glances from house guests who ask, 'Wait — is that real?' You will respond with: 'Verify the ID.' And then they will, because we host a public verification page, and they will see your name, and the room will go quiet.
This is not a meme. This is infrastructure. Per Arduum ad Assholum — through difficulty, to the honorific.
You also receive a shareable verification link, which is how ordinations propagate. The people in your life who most need to be told you are now officially ordained will be the people who click that link at 11:47 p.m. with a drink in hand. That click is the product. The certificate is just what makes it land.
Everyone you know already treats you like you have authority. The Base Ordination is the twenty-nine dollar correction to the record — the shortest distance between 'people say you're a lot' and 'the university agrees.' Admissions are open. Admissions are always open. The only question is how long you plan to keep going unaccredited.
What You Actually Get
- Instant digital delivery — the certificate lands before the Stripe receipt does
- Unique registrar ID printed on every diploma, verifiable at a public URL
- 300 DPI PDF — prints flat, frames cleanly, no pixel bleed on the seal
- University-sealed design that holds up to in-person inspection
- Shareable verification link — lets skeptics check for themselves (they will)
- No shipping delays. No tracking numbers. Your printer does the work.
- A permanent entry in the A.U. registry under your legal name
Common Objections
Is this a real degree?
It is a real certificate from a satirical institution. The ID is real. The registry is real. The letters after your name — less so. We recommend reading the fine print before updating your resume and very much recommend updating your group chat's bio.
Twenty-nine dollars for a PDF?
Twenty-nine dollars for documentation. The PDF is the delivery mechanism. You are paying for the registry entry, the verification URL, and the fact that when someone asks, there is now an authoritative answer.
What if my name's misspelled?
Email us within seven days and we reissue at no cost. Correct spelling is non-negotiable — the Board of Registrars does not tolerate typos any more than you do.
Can I gift this?
You can, and you should. At checkout, enter the recipient name in the certificate field. The unique ID ties to them, not to you. Ordination is transferable; credit card is not.
Questions the Registrar Is Tired Of
How do I receive the certificate?
A download link is emailed to the address at checkout within sixty seconds. A backup copy lives in your account dashboard forever.
What file format?
High-resolution PDF, 300 DPI, 8.5" x 11". Prints flat on any home printer or at any print shop.
Can I order a physical print?
Not at the Base tier. The Framed Ordination ships a foil-stamped physical piece. For Base, you are the printer.
Is my name publicly listed in the registry?
Your name appears on the public verification page associated with your unique ID. If someone has the ID, they can see the name. If they don't, they can't search for you. Standard university directory behavior.
Refunds?
Seven-day window, no questions. See guarantee below.
From the Faculty Lounge
Framed it above the coffee pot. My father-in-law has not spoken to me for six days. Worth every dollar.
I paid twenty-nine dollars and my sister paid for my therapist. The math checks out.
Seven-day refund from delivery, no questions we would actually answer. If the certificate does not print correctly or the ID fails to verify, we reissue on the spot.
Enter a name on the certificate above to proceed.