CONSULTING
One Hour. Private. Structured. Actually Useful.
Personal Asshole Coaching
High-ticket one-on-one coaching with an A.U. faculty member — scripted reframes, live exercises, and a written report you will actually reread.
Best for buyers who want private institutional backing, not just a handsome document and a shrug.
Personal Asshole Coaching
One-on-one consultation to help you achieve peak assholery.
Registrar's Positioning
Best for buyers who want private institutional backing, not just a handsome document and a shrug.
High-ticket one-on-one coaching with an A.U. faculty member — scripted reframes, live exercises, and a written report you will actually reread.
Why You Want This
Coaching is the only SKU in the catalog that is not a PDF.
Everything else we sell is a credentialed artifact. Coaching is the one product where you sit in a scheduled Zoom with an actual human being — an A.U. faculty member who has done this before and will not waste your hour — and come out with a written report, two custom-drafted scripts, and a live role-play recording you can go back to.
This is not a meme session. It is a structured engagement. We open with a fifteen-minute intake — the scenario you want to handle, the stakes, the audience, the constraint (a boss who cannot know it is deliberate, a sibling who will escalate, a committee that will take notes). We spend the next thirty minutes building the response framework — the opening line, the fallback, the exit. The final fifteen minutes is a live role-play in which the faculty member plays the other party and coaches you in real time on delivery. We record the whole thing with your permission. You receive the recording and a written summary within twenty-four hours.
This is typically purchased by three profiles. First: people about to enter a high-stakes performance review and need to say one difficult thing correctly. Second: people navigating a family situation with recurring dynamics they want to break without a blowup. Third: writers, comedians, and satirists who want a second professional ear on a setup. All three profiles leave with the same artifact — a recording, a report, two scripts, and a follow-up email thread for seventy-two hours.
Five hundred dollars is the price point of a moderately serious professional consultation, because that is what it is. Per Arduum ad Assholum — at the coaching tier, we earn the motto by actually putting in the arduum.
What You Actually Get
- Scheduled sixty-minute private Zoom with an A.U. faculty member
- Fifteen-minute intake, thirty-minute framework build, fifteen-minute live role-play
- Session recording delivered within twenty-four hours — yours to keep
- Written report with two custom-drafted scripts tailored to your specific scenario
- Seventy-two-hour post-session email thread for follow-up questions
- Inner Circle discount applies — 10% off for active members
- Scheduling within seven days of purchase, evening and weekend slots available
Common Objections
Five hundred dollars for an hour is a lot.
It is — on purpose. Consulting-grade hours, with a written artifact and a recording, are priced the way consulting hours are priced. Compared with any executive coach or communications consultant in the same bracket, the delta is that the A.U. faculty member can actually be funny about it. Most of our coaching clients would have otherwise paid twice this to a coach who could not.
Is this actually serious?
The framing is satirical; the engagement is sincere. The faculty member takes the session seriously, builds real scripts, and gives you usable artifacts. The satire is the brand. The hour is the deliverable.
Who exactly is coaching me?
An A.U. faculty member — a working writer, communications professional, or executive coach with a sense of humor. We match based on scenario. You will see the match before you confirm; you can request a different faculty member at no cost before the session.
Can I use this for a professional situation?
Yes — and the majority of sessions are booked for exactly that. Performance reviews, layoffs, difficult client conversations, vendor negotiations. The framework is portable; the satire is the voice, not the substance.
Questions the Registrar Is Tired Of
How do I schedule?
After checkout, you receive a booking link within five minutes. Choose a slot within the next seven days; evening and weekend slots are available.
Can I reschedule?
Once, at no charge, with at least forty-eight hours notice. Additional reschedules incur a twenty-five-dollar fee to protect the faculty member's schedule.
What if I don't want the session recorded?
Recording is optional — confirmed at the start of the session. If you opt out, you receive the written report only.
Are these sessions confidential?
Yes. The faculty member signs an NDA as part of the engagement. Recordings live in your account dashboard, private to you, and are not used for marketing.
Refunds?
Full refund if requested before the session is scheduled. Once scheduled, refunds are at our discretion (see guarantee).
From the Faculty Lounge
Booked it before a layoff conversation I had to give, not receive. Faculty member wrote me three versions of the opening. I used the second one. It went exactly as the report predicted.
Session paid for itself in the first ninety seconds of the performance review. I quoted the script almost verbatim. The silence after was engineered.
Full refund before a session is booked. After the session, if the written report does not land as useful, we offer one follow-up session at no charge or a 50% refund — your choice.